theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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