So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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