Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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