you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
