I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
