two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
