I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
