she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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