The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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