I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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