You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I have peed in a lot of sinks
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
