I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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