i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
