I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
