okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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