I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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