I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
