I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
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