the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
