I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
