a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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