After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
