Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
