Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
