How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
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she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
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I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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