Umm I'm too high to move.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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