If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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