I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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