I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
