first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
