I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
