I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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