Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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