Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
My liver just had a heart attack.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
