Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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