nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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