If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
