I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
