i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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