I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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