my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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