I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
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