just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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