Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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