She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I could make wine with my vomit
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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