Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
