lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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