So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
