Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
