; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
50% drunk capacity currently
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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