i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
