eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Randomize
