I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I AM VODKA MAN
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
