my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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