My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think I died a long time ago.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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